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15 March 2012 @ 03:27 am
Title: Lie
Author: cafekkokure
Chapters: 4/8
Band: Alice Nine
Pairing: Tora x Saga
Rating: R
Warnings: Language, self-loathing, hinted suicide
Summary: I erase the memories; I erase them with tears.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the story.
Author Notes: This one was supposed to be along the lines of loathing yourself for breaking the heart of the person you loved because of your own problems or insecurities. Whether you were the one who broke up with them, or they broke up with you. Please excuse me for two suicide related stories in a row. It turned out shorter than intended, sorry. Enjoy though.
Previous Chapters: Ch I: Even in my Dreams | Ch II: On Rainy Days | Ch III: I Told You I Want To Die

I wonder how long I'd been laying here...one minute, or perhaps several hours. It feels like eternity. Nothing is moving, only going slower than time. Almost as if I was sucked into a black hole. You know how things move slower in  black hole as it rips you apart, while time outside it seems to be moving at a normal pace. That's basically how I feel right now. Everything around me is moving at the normal speed, while I sit here, going slower, suffering in silence. I hate it so fucking much. Why does it have to be this way? I didn't want to do this to you. It's not what I wanted. I didn't want you to cry. I'm so sorry for all my insecurities. They made everything worse didn't they? You left me because you couldn't deal with me anymore, I was only getting in the way. I couldn't fix the things wrong with myself, and it just destroyed us.

I hate myself for being the reason you left. I tried to erase everything, day by day it just gets harder to breathe. Like when I try to breathe, an go to inhale a breath, it feels as though someone is pressing down on my chest. Perhaps that's the words way of telling me I should just do myself in. Get it over with. I mean if I lost you, then what's the point? I only wanted you. And I screwed it up because of my own issues. All the insecurities I carried. They were too much for you too handle. Probably harder for you to handle then they were for me. I have to wonder when that handful of pills I took is going to kick in. How much longer do I have left to sit here, frozen in time, feeling like I did nothing but let you down? I don't feel like I'm slipping away yet, but at the same time I do feel like I am slipping away. Perhaps I had already slipped away mentally, but have yet to physically slip away. I can't stand anything. No losing you. Nor myself. I just want it all to end. So I won't have to suffer anymore. Just make it go away. I'm ready to give up and simply die.

Make the pain go away.

So I won’t have any hope,
So my longing heart won’t even know
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
Current Music: In Heaven | JYJ